Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Throwback Wednesday: On Being King of the Valley

This is the Roanoker's 2000 Almanac issue, the one that vented our fears of the Y2K meltdown that didn't happen. It also featured a new monthly piece by somebody local called "If I Ran the Valley." I was asked to do the first one. It was promoted on the cover (left).

The photo at the top is a Poloroid from the photo session with Doug Miller at the Mill Mountain Star of me. I have no idea why I was backed by the star (since I really don't like it much), but that was the deal.

Inside, I offered, among other things: that Elm Avenue traffic problems would be solved (that's in the process today); that APCo would begin burying power lines (ain't happening); that smoking would be banned in public places (partial success); that cafeteria-selection cable TV would be offered (nope); that governments would be consolidated in the area (who's kidding whom?); that we'd run off "two-bit, provincial, arrogant, bumpkin politician[s]", but instead, we added Morgan Griffith, Bob Goodlatte and Al Bedrosian; downtown traffic would be made two way (yep); that I-81 be widened by four more lanes (hardly); new commercial development would cease until old buildings were used (no); we'd fund the arts publicly (hell no!); that David Bowers "would be sent to his room until he grows up" (he's still out there, still grabbing microphones); that we'd tear down the star and put up a 100-foot banjo (heh, heh, heh ...); we'd institute Asheville-envy recovery classes; and I'd get it done snap-pop.

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