Putting the Levity Back in Football

For those of you bemoaning the lack of football today and tomorrow (bless its heart, the Pro Bowl all-star game counts for absolutely nothing), let's all settle back and have a little laugh at our favorite sport. My wife gave me The Bathroom Football Book for Christmas, which is why she's been asking on occasion, "Are you ever going to finish in there?"

Here's some of what it says:

"Statistics remind me of the guy who drowned in the river whose average depth was three feet." --Woody Hayes

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football." --John Heisman

"On this team we are united in one common goal: to keep my job." --Lou Holtz

"If your work is not fired with enthusiasm, then you will be fired--with enthusiasm." John Mazur (ex-Patriots coach)

"The thing I like about football is that you don't have to take a shower to go to work." --John Hilgenberg (Bears center)

"Just remember the words of Patrick Henry: 'Kill me or let me live.'" --Bill Peterson (Florida State coach)

"We're like a cross-eyed discus thrower: we don't win many games, but we keep the crowd loose." --Bill Curry (ex-Kentucky coach)

"I'm really happy for ... the guys who've been around here for six or seven years, especially our seniors." --Bob Hoying (Ohio state quarterback)

"Our kicker only had one bad day last year: Saturday." Gary Darnell (ex-coach at Tennessee Tech)

"I had the air conditioning at my back." --Rusty Fricke (he had just kicked a 60-yard field goal indoors)

"That was instinct ... like running from the cops." --Marquis Weeks (Virginia player who had run a kickoff back 100 yards)

"I told the administration I'd win the Big 10 championship in two years if they'd let me do two things: spend all the money I wanted and cheat." --Lee Corso

"They didn't like my overhand delivery." --Bubba Smith (ex-lineman on being banned from bowling alleys)

"The really scary thing is that some of these people work for the government." --Joe Jacoby (on Redskins fans in pig costumes)

"Probably the Beatles' 'White Album.'" --Steve Largent (outstanding receiver on which record he'll cherish)

"After three failed marriages, I know what it's like to be replaced." --Terry Bradshaw (on a quarterback losing his job)

"They say two things happen when you get older. One is you forget things. I can't remember the other right now." --Marv Levy (at 80)