'Noah': This One's a Real Dead Fish

What I had read about "Noah"--that the Christian right was pissed about it--made me want to see it. I saw it late this afternoon and now I'm pissed, too, but probably for vastly different reasons.

This turkey is a complete waste of time, a combination of "The 300," "Mystery Science Theatre" and "Elmer Gantry." This version is filled with sci-fi rock monsters and some of the worst looking urban gang members I've seen in years. Noah is a vegetarian liberal who is enough of a religious zealot to be standing over his grandchildren with a serrated knife ready to slice and dice them at one point because the voices told him to.

The movie is so dark that there are long stretches where you have to guess what's going on. The story is often silly. The whole parable borders on the absurd; how in the hell could you even suggest that two of every species would fit in a home-made boat?

When "Noah" wasn't being ridiculous, melodramatic or so slow that it could have run backwards to gain speed, it was simply without imagination.

A lot of high-end movie people were involved in this turkey, which is so bad I don't even want to say their names in this context. They're better than this movie. So was "The Texas
Chain Saw Massacre."